Weddings

10 things I hate about weddings

1. Bringing a date
This scenario is always a dilemma because I never know who to ask. I used to have three or four safety dates but they have all gotten married. I usually panic a few days before hand if I still don't have a date and take someone that I have little interest being with only to avoid going alone. Then once I get to the wedding my date usually knows next to no one and I feel like I am stuck babysitting them. But the worst mistake I made was bringing a date to a family wedding 7 years ago. To this day my brother still asks me about her and wonders why we are not dating.

2. Not bringing a date
The only thing worse than bringing a date is not bringing a date. By not bringing a date it is an admittance to myself that I have absolutely no dating prospects and it tells everybody there that I am hopelessly single. Then the well meaning types spend the rest of the evening wondering why I am not already married and trying to fix me up with the ugly bridesmaid. Contrary to Hollywood wisdom, weddings are not a great place to pick up women. Usually this a direct result of my dancing which leads me to my next point.

3. Dancing
I admit it, I am terrible at dancing. Not for lack of trying, I have actually taken lessons to learn ballroom, tap, line dancing and even salsa. I was so bad that in my salsa class, I was the only guy but all the women would rather dance by themselves than with me. It's the curse of being uncoordinated and rhythmically challenged. During my normal routine I can avoid dancing but not so at weddings. For some reason weddings are the last place in our culture that dancing is expected at least if you are not Wesleyan. The worst part of that the whole unfortunate experience is that it's usually videotaped so my horrific movements are captured for a lifetime.

4. Slide shows
I can usually take one song worth of pictures but that's it. But there must be some unwritten rule that there has to be a minimum of 3 songs showing both the bride and groom showing up. And the slide show is always set to really cheesy music. I imagine Michael W. Smith could make a whole album of wedding slide show songs. To get through the endless endeavor I turn it into a game by counting how many times I appear in the slide show vs those at my table. Then the rest of the evening I can either complain about being shortchanged or I can brag to the rest of them that the couple likes me better.

5. Other wedding traditions
Just how did the chicken dance make it's way into popular wedding tradition? How about the fun of listening to drunk people giving toasts to the bride and groom? Does anybody (including the bride and groom) enjoy the clinking of glasses to get the couple to kiss. By the reaction of the crowd, you would think they had never seen anybody kiss before. For a real treat they should watch showtime after midnight. Speaking of kisses, there is one tradition that I do like. I think it's called the kissing box and if you stick money it, you get to kiss any person at the wedding. It's the only way I am certain to get some action at the wedding. But the lowest of all tradition is being called up to catch the garter belt. I am always 15 years older than the next competitor. And frankly, catching that damn thing has done nothing to improve my chances of getting married. I have a dozen of them at home to prove it.

6. Buying a gift
This one especially bugs me. Most of the time the couple only registers for expensive crap that they would never buy for themselves but for some reason expect others to buy for them. This is why I refuse to buy off the registry. Then there is the comparison between me and the other people I know that are attending the wedding as to who spent the most money on the gift. There is nothing worse than giving the happy couple 25 bucks when everybody else gives them 50. I can just see them opening my card and uttering the words cheap bastard under their breath.

7. Forgetting to buy a gift
Sometimes in the build up to the wedding, I forget to buy a gift. I don't do it intentionally. Instead it's probably some repressive response to my dislike of weddings. Supposedly according to a made up list of wedding rules, you have one year after the wedding to buy a gift. This loophole sounds good until you go the whole year and still forget. My co-worker got married almost exactly a year ago recently reminded me of that fact as we were talking about another co-worker getting married this weekend. So now instead of buying one gift this weekend I have to buy 2 gifts. What a crock.

8. Knowing that the marriage is not going to last
This does not apply to all weddings of course but I will never forget my Aunt's wedding when I was about 13 years old. Everybody in the church knew that the wedding was doomed to failure. Many of us took wagers as to how many years the marriage would last. (For the record I was off by about 2 years.) This action may sound crass and yes I shouldn't treat their marriage so lightly. But many of these same couples treat their own marriage vows with such contempt, why should they expect the rest of us to pretend that everything is fine.

9. Waiting to eat dinner
The free food is usually the main reward for enduring the whole experience. As if sitting through the wedding isn't long enough, I invariably get seated at the last table to get their food. After this post, I will be lucky to ever get served but that's a different story. At one wedding we had to wait well over an hour for the pictures to be finished. My friend and I were both starving and tired of waiting so we went table to table fishing out the peanuts from the bowls of peanuts and mints. By the time they arrived we had cleaned out every table. The other guests watched with contempt but that's not the first or last time I have gotten dirty looks.

10. Thinking about what might have been
Lately, I have started getting invited to my ex girlfriend weddings. It sounds a little strange but for the most part we usually break up on good terms and I still enjoy their friendship. The wedding however serves as the final closure on that chapter of my life. They have officially moved on while I haven't. Only one time did I still have feelings for the bride and I almost stood up to object but I didn't want to be the sorry, bitter ex boyfriend. Besides, I figured she would have just ignored the objection and gotten married anyways. At one wedding, while dancing with the bride she told me how much she still loved me. That was a little awkward and I chalk it up to my brilliant singing at her wedding. That and a lot of alcohol.