Thinking about Father's Day

It is hard to believe that my Dad has been gone for over 7 years. I remember the first few father's days after he died and how difficult they were. As time passes it gets a little easier. A week ago my friend Wendy asked me about my Dad and a flood of memories returned. It's still hard to tell the story and the regrets that live on. The regret of not being able to say goodbye before he died and the bigger regret that he and I didn't have the relationship I wanted.

I do miss him. I tear up everytime I hear a Neil Young song or watch a Maryland basketball game. When I hit a good golf shot I flash back to the first good shot I hit when he and I played last. I wish he were still here to talk about politics and our family or to watch the US Open this weekend.

As I get older I realize I am a lot like my Dad which scares me a little bit. He was a talented, caring man and I carry on these traits. But he also battled a lot of demons and made terrible mistakes. He ended up an isolated shell of himself before he died and I pray that I don't follow in those footsteps. Not that I would become an alcoholic like he was but I do battle my own sins and the fear of losing that battle can be paralyzing. I am learning to take things day to day and thankful I have good friends to help me along the way.

I still get a little jealous of my friends who have close relationships with their Dads. But then I remember how fortunate I am to have a close relationship with my stepdad Mike. He's a remarkably good guy. He's easy going, there when I need him, and sort of the stability of the family. The past couple years he and I have been able to spend a lot of time going to various sporting events which has been fun and good for both of us. It's hard to believe he's been a part of my life for 20 years already.

As I look around at my friend's becoming fathers I also get jealous. It would be fun to have kids and I am confident I would be a good father. But for some reason my time has not yet come and somedays I wonder if it will ever come. Meanwhile, I try to be patient and invest in my nephews. There is nothing better than being the cool uncle and knowing the impact I am having on their lives. When they became teenagers I was worried we wouldn't be as close but they still need me, albeit in different areas than when they were little kids.

So this Sunday I will celebrate father's day at my Mom and Stepdad's. My brother and his family will be there and we will go boating and watch a little golf on TV. While I miss my Dad, I am thankful that I get to see the rest of the family and look forward to the day when I get to start my own family.