I hesitate to write this post but I want to put my thoughts down and get some feedback from you. A couple years ago my church started home groups as a way of making people feel more connected. At first I attended one led my buddy Curt and it was okay. The group was made up of a mishmash of people with the lone common fact that none of us had small kids. After a year or so I decided it was time to leave that group because it was more of a chore than a blessing. I really like several of the people that attended but as a group it wasn't really bringing me the type of community I was looking for. The next several months were spent in avoiding members of the group who would invite me every time I saw them. They wanted to know why I wasn't coming, say it wasn't the same without me, blah, blah, blah. Finally, they gave up on my eventual return and I was able to roam the halls of the church free from their pestering.
Round 2. A year and a half ago a new home group started so I figured it was time to end my exile. Since my friend Sheila was hosting the group, I decided to try again. Despite the new group and my new attitude, I again felt a disconnect. The people in this group were great and I enjoy their company individually. But the meetings were stiff and artificial. Each week I would anxiously look at my watch until I could leave. After about 6 months I left my second home group. Thankfully, this group was less envangelistic in trying to retain me.
Round 3. Last Christmas, I decided to give home groups one last try. This time I went to the one hosted by my Pastor. I went mainly to see the inside of his new house and because I was looking for a free meal that night. Not the best motives but they did get me to attend. This group was different than the others. Again, I liked the people but I was in a distinct minority demographic. Lots of young family types and me. There was also one older woman there and I enjoyed visiting with her. Greg, the leader of this group is good guy but in the end I felt a little out of place and decided that this was strike three.
Now I am in the awkward position of being one of a small minority who does not attend a home group. This is fine because I have enough friends at the church already. But the church really pushes these groups as one of the main parts of the church community and my negative feelings toward these groups makes it hard to get excited about this ministry. I had breakfast with one of the pastors a couple weeks ago and I was sharing my reasons for not going and he asked me if I had any better ideas for building community. That's a very good question. I am usually good at determining the flaws but not so good at offering solutions. I googled church community hoping to find some solutions, but didn't get any good results. Then I got to thinking about how churches in the past built community when their wasn't such an emphasis on small groups. Maybe they already had community. Maybe we could model something after them. I don't know. What I do know is that you can't force community via programs and formats. Relationships have to evolve naturally or they don't really provide the authenticity that people are looking for.
Since many of you who read my blog are Christians and involved in various churches, I am asking for your help. How do we build community in the church? Are small groups the answer? And if so, what happens when you don't like them? I look forward to reading your thoughts and suggestions.
10 comments:
Hey Jeff- I leafed through a book on this subject at our local bookstore that looked interesting...of course I can't remember the title or author right now. :} I'll look for it again. I remember the author talked about having common places to fellowship and even sharing common possessions. We are all so self-sufficient these days, and our society values and rewards that. But previous generations depended more on each other- borrowing tools, watching each others' kids, and the proverbial cup of sugar. I think we're too afraid to be vulnerable and really need each other. Just my humble opinion. :}
-Beth
I resonate with your frutrations. I think we too often over-program in the church...especially when it comes to community. "OK everyone, turn to the person next to you and tell them you love them." Yum...sure seems like the original church to me...the only thing missing is the sound of vomit hitting the floor! Ok, so that's a bit strong...but my thoughts are the same. And that's coming from someone who spent 6 years as Community Life Pastor at a larger, evangelical church.
Being the church is more organic than mechanical. We're taught to lead a church like an engineer fixes a machine. We use one-size-fits-all programs and expect that "mature" Christians will just shut up and fit in.
I'm in the midst of exploring the nature of leadership/ministry/community as organic in nature. Instead of using an engineer or even a CEO as a model, I'm looking to a farmer. A farmer doesn't force seed to grow...he creates environments where growth is condusive. What does that look like in the local church? I'll write again in about a dozen years and let you know.
Being analytical is a gift, but it makes it easy to become critical. I have to work on that too.
I like Beth's and Matt's points. I would add that the battle to build community in the Church is not a battle against flesh and blood. The truth is that our culture doesn't promote healthy relationships or healthy communities. We communicate more with screens than with other faces.
What is the purpose of your local church's small groups? What is/was your purpose in participating?
You are probably a part of several "small groups" and don't realize it. When you get together with T, J, B, & I, we are a small group of Christians. I know you get together with others as well. Granted, our small group doesn't gather together frequently and we don't have a Bible study curriculum. We do listen, share, encourage, admonish, love, have fun, etc.
A local church softball team could be considered a small group. A lunch break Bible study at the office could be a small group. A bunch of bloggers are even a small group in some ways. I think there are many forms of "small group fellowship." It seems though, that there is a difference between naturally occurring and manufactured small groups in the local church.
Regardless of the format however, remember to look at how you can serve God and others. I know I struggle with remembering this. The blessing is not just in the outcome, but also in the process of building community.
The "hows" can somtimes be artificial, as Matt said. And in general, if the chemistry's not there initially, then the longevity of said group is questionable. And if they do stay together, do they ever really experience deep community? Here are my thoughts:
Be friends from the get-go. If that is there, then chances of "survivng" the harder parts of community are greater. When friends investigate being a small group, that excites me.
Find people in a similar life phase. As much as friends are committed and interested in one another, when the phases change (kids, marriage, retirement) there are new tensions and values that come to the surface.
Assess the relational intelligence of the group. Not everyone knows how to behave or grow in community. I say this with love, dear Fetzer, but if you're the one always leaving then maybe you need to surround yourself with real friends who won't let you get away with 1) not being real and 2) not growing. We all bring something to the table in community. Some bring brutal honesty ("this study sucks"), some bring discernment, some good facillitating skills. It's good to surround yourself with people who have moderate to high relational intelligence ("mid- to heavy weights"). In my experience the bantam weight folks never lasted long because they couldn't handle and/or understand the group dynamics, and they didn't participate to the fullest. You always felt like you were dragging that person along.
I speak out of having experienced deep and life-changing community with my small group of 6 years back in NY. Once you have it, you can't really live well without it.
Heidi
Howdy folks,
Jeff, I believe your experience is far more common than us church folks like to admit. Let me introduce myself a little so you can have some contxt for my comments. I'm currently in seminary, but please don't hold that against me. I've been on staff at large church (Willow Creek), medium size church, and my family and I were for a time involved in a very small nameless unincorpated house church. I was forwarded this post by my sister Wendy, who i believe is a friend of yours.
So, I think part of my answer to this question of community comes by way of a helpful book called 'The Search to Belong' by Joe Myers. I had a chance to have some coffee with Joe recently after discussing his book and ideas a bit, i think he's onto something. He suggests that healthy humans tend to have a natural ratio of levels of belonging. he suggests 4 spaces, or levels, of belonging (public, social, personal, and intimate). We have a decreasing capacity for belonging as you move from public to intimate. He suggests that this is natural and healthy. So if a normal person might have room for a many public belongings, but slightly less room for social belongings (let's say a dozen). Then that person probably only has room for several belongings at the personal level and only a couple at the intimate level. I'm oversimplifying but i think you'll get the point.
The rub comes when we join a largish "small" group that wants everyone to be intimate with each other. Well, most healthy people don't have room for that many intimate relationships and the ones that do probably aren't healthy.
I think as church attendance has moved toward very large congregations over the past couple of decades, we've been left asking the question, "how in the world are we going to make sure all these people are cared for?" Enter small groups, house groups, 'meta' model or what ever you want to call it. It really the best mechanism out there for tracking and facilitating connections in large congregations. With extremely large congregations, we are often left with little choice.
We run into problems though when healthy people join groups because the church says your not really involved if you don't.
Personally, I've experienced the problems with very large church and with very small church (neither is without problems and pain). But, I will gladly take the problems of smaller church over the mechanisms of management forced on you by very large church.
This is off the top of my head, please push back if feel like it. I'm always interested in learning.
later, Andy Dragt
Following up with Andy's comments...Joe's book is an excellent read when it comes to facilitating community in a growing church context. I'd recommend it to you, Fetz...and any other leaders of local churches who are reading this.
Part of the take-away from his book is also the need to have a sense of belonging in each of the spaces. If one space is out of kilter, then one will feel like he/she doesn't belong anywhere.
For what it's worth.
Back during the 40 days of the purpose driven life craze that many churches went through, we joined a small group, maybe a little different than your home group, but basically the same.
From the beginning, I knew it was not going to work, the attendees were just not there for the same reasons. While some of us were there to indeed fellowship and study, some were there for a social hour.
I don't believe that you can stick a bunch of people together that would not normally socialize and expect great things to happen unless God does it himself.
We left our small group after a while cause it was becoming a chore and a bore, not something we looked forward to. We have not joined another small group since.
I agree with Jon post in many ways, small groups don't have to be in the living room, they can be on the golf course, or the basketball court or the Rest-a-While.
Some may say that unity starts with u. Very contrite I guess. I am not much for the idea of church hopping as a general rule, but sometimes when the philospy of a church and a member aren't the same. It isn't something to be taken lightly. Not something that doesn't require prayer.
It's hard when you don't connect with those at church. There are times that it becomes important to change, not to cut contact.
Sometimes we outgrow who we were, and then it is time to move on. You have said that your vision is very different than that the Pator
Hi Jeff -
Good to see you, up on stage singing as part of the worship team, at church this morning.
I've been a part of several churches and this is the first one that has encouraged everyone to be part of a small group.
We started attending on the first Sunday of October 2004. It was home group Sunday and we picked up a card with home group info on it. We tried to call but the phone number was wrong. So we just showed up at 4PM. The group didn't start til 5 - oops - another typo. Anyway, Jeremy and Michelle were gracious and since it was a nice day we just hung out in the back yard where the kids played until the rest of the group arrived for a meal and time of sharing and prayer. We felt welcomed by the other three families with children (all the kids in our group are 6 and under).
Getting to know people is uncomfortable at times - that first night we shared that we were moving to the area and Kevin had just started a new job. But, we didn't share right away that Kevin had just resigned from his position as a youth pastor in Eaton Rapids.
Relationships take time. Building trust takes time. We've been going to our homegroup for nine months and the friendships and trust are developing.
Right now I feel closer to the women in the Thursday morning Bible study than the ladies in my home group - because the Bible study is weekly and home group is just once a month.
At our church in Madison, Wisconsin, the pastor often talked about "doing life together" - to me that's what friendship is. If I need to call I don't feel like I'll be an inconvenience and if I mess up I know they'll still love me.
Our family went to Indiana this weekend to spend time with Jennie (Metzger) Pyle's family and we also were able to see Michele Henry. I treasure my college friendships - hard to believe I've known those women for 14 years (since freshman year at IWU).
To grow relationships need to be cultivated and nourished. I've had to make phone calls, write letters and plan visits. It's been worth it.
Anyway all that to say - all relationships take time and effort. Keep praying and obeying and God will direct your path.
Sarah
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