My brother's divorce was settled last week. While part of me is thankful that the whole ordeal is over, I know that my brother is not doing well. Financially he took a bath on the sale of their house and now he lives a much smaller townhouse. He is still bitter towards his ex-wife and who can blame him but that bitterness only hurts him and not her. This is his second divorce and he is trying to adjust to living without a woman for the first time in his life. I know he is lonely and that in all likelihood he will begin dating someone else shortly. I just hope that he is able to first find inner peace and happiness instead of seeking it in another woman who will undoubtedly disappoint him again.
Saturday after church I went out to Denny's and got to know one of the men at my church who just finalized his divorce. He has his kids every other weekend and I could tell that he wished he saw them more often. He mentioned that he pays a thousand dollars a month in child support. That seems like a lot especially since he makes about what I make and I couldn't afford that much money. I understand taking financial responsibility for his kids but I can't help but wonder how he will get by.
Over the weekend, I visited with my aunt who is currently separated from her husband and on the road to divorce. On the outside she appears to be doing okay but I know that she has little money and is struggling to get by financially. The accusations are flying on both sides and I have no idea who is to blame for her marriage falling apart but I hate to see the damage that it is causing her family. After she left, my Mom told me about the deteriorating relationship between her and her grown daughter. I used to think that divorce was easier for older children but apparently it is never easy. My Dad's parents got divorced when he was an adult and it only sped up his descent into alcoholism and depression.
Finally, my co-worker is caught up in a custody battle over her daughter and our office gets sucked into the drama every time she and her ex husband argue over the phone. It's totally unprofessional but in these type of disputes, better sense is ignored in place of passions. She often complains that the friend of the court system is broken. I am sure it is broken considering that government is not intended to make family decisions. But because of divorce we have no other choice but to wager our families fortunes on an ill suited court system.
I mention all these anecdotes to highlight why I hate divorce so much. And yet it is a welcomed part of our culture today even by those who have been affected by it in the past. I don't understand why there isn't more outrage against divorce. I realize that many people don't want to impose their moral standards on others but the current laissez faire attitude is not working. How many of us have attended weddings where there is no pretense that the marriage will last forever? Or have we been too busy to help troubled marriages resolve their issues and simply figured the easiest solution is to have them get divorced? The easy decisions are very rarely the right decisions.
I don't write this post out of judgement but out of empathy for those who get divorced and their families. I have lived through the damage myself and I know they deserve much better than the bitterness, loneliness and financial ruin that come from divorce.
5 comments:
I'll be honest-the example of divorce in my own life and the experience that I had with my dad are a huge part of the reason that I am such a chicken when it comes to relationships. I am determined to not put a kid through the kind of pain that I endured.
Divorce is interesting among peers. One of my good friends has had difficulties in her marriage for the last year or so. I remember before they got married, I was quick to tell her to leave him at the slightest argument. Now that they are married and have a family, I encourage her to stick it out, seek counseling, do what it takes to try and make it work. I want to be a sounding board to her, but I also want to be a support to her marriage. I think that is my responsibility as her friend and as someone who stood up for her in her wedding.
Thanks for taking on an important, yet uncomfortable issue. Divorce is a tragedy.
Many divorces are related to the inability of couples to resolve conflict. The Biblical conflict resolution material through Peacemaker Ministries (peacemaker.net) is a great tool for reconciling relationships, whether folks are Christians or not. A good marriage counselor can be very helpful too, but people need to invest in their own counseling for it to be effective.
When couples must divorce, I recommend mediation (Yes, I run a mediation center). Couples may not love or even like each other, but they will be much better off if they can work together on a fair divorce settlement. Divorce mediation can be quicker, more private, more creative, and less costly than the typical route of divorce lawyers and the adversarial court process.
My hope would be though, that even divorce mediation would not be needed.
I recommend mediation (Yes, I run a mediation center). Couples may not love or even like each other, but they will be much better off if they can work together on a fair divorce settlement. Divorce mediation can be quicker, more private, more creative, and less costly than the typical route of divorce lawyers and the adversarial court process.
Couples may not love or even like each other, but they will be much better off if they can work together on a fair divorce settlement. Divorce mediation can be quicker, more private, more creative, and less costly than the typical route of divorce lawyers and the adversarial court process.this article is very interesting for Divorce Help, click on the link
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